Is it insanity?

When things go at an absolute blur, everything goes uncertain, and you just close your eyes, hoping to enjoy the ride. You may crash, but hey, it’s part of the deal.

When you’ve made a decision that you’ll take a chance, you also understand the risk. The risk that the outcome may not be desirable.

Is it foolish to risk like this?
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And when the broken hearted people
Living in the world agree
There will be an answer, Let It Be

For though they may be parted there is
Still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, Let It Be
Let It Be, Let It Be

Let It Be - John Lennon

It’s been exhausting resisting. It’s been tiring living in fear.

Is this my way of saying that I’m prepared to get hurt, and say “bring it on?”

No, this is just me, setting myself free. Letting go, to whatever would come my way.

My fortress has been too chilly for my taste lately. I seek for warmth.

Hopefully, I won’t get burned.

But if I do, there will always be sleep.

Once upon a time, my default setting was Ice Princess.

Once upon a time, you cracked a joke, and I couldn’t stop laughing.

Once upon a time, Ice Princess thawed for a bit and longed for a jacket.

Once upon a time, you gave me a jacket and I felt warm.

Once upon a time, Ice Princess enjoyed the warm sunshine.

Once upon a time, you started laughing at the Ice Princess for looking stupid wearing a jacket.

Once upon a time, the Ice Princess got hurt.

Once upon a time, the Ice Princess went back to her cave, and made herself frozen all over again.

And now, the Ice Princess is once again, an Ice Princess.

And you?

Just a few seconds ago, I was staring in disbelief as I read a very, very long love letter.

It was full of emotions - a mix of sadness, longing, and subtle pleas. It professed love in the most courageous way that I could never have said that to anyone.

It made me very very sad, because it was an open-ended love letter, some courageous risk, that one was willing to take one last time, before things would be for the best.

I was definitely more surprised as I realized that I wrote it.

Could it be possible that my heart has thawed from its icy splendor? I’ve been comfortable in the cold for so long, I’ve ignored its state, and I guess I threw it away in a dungeon that I never bothered to check on it again. When I check on it again, could it be that it’s already warm, beating, and very much alive?
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I’ve always thought that I was never alone. Despite not being romantically attached, I am blessed enough to be in the company of my wonderful family, and my wonderful friends that love me, and are always there by my side to take care of me, and to make me feel like the luckiest human being in this planet.

I tried something this week that in a sense, will let me be alone. How does it feel to be truly alone?

I locked myself in my own room, working alone, unwinding alone, and sleeping alone.

What do I feel?
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I don’t know if I should consider time a friend, or foe.

The clock ticks too fast lately that I don’t even remember my dreams anymore. It’s as if I hardly sleep anymore.

I’ve been rushing, overexerting my brain, ignoring my heart, and just riding the waves in this crazy season.

I know that the time is in my favor, for another month has almost passed, and I am getting closer to getting away. It’s unbelievable that by the end of this year, I will be given a choice. Yes, a choice to stop from all this self-imposed madness, and have myself exiled just for some air to breathe.

Mixed emotions, because I am enjoying so much of this rush in my blood, the adrenalin, the stress, because it keeps me alive. I thrive with activity, I am most alive when I am running around, getting confused on what to do next.

What if I decide that I love this rush, albeit unhealthy, to decide not to stop and go on like this? Will it kill me?

For all I know, I have already decided on when to stop. And when I tell myself to stop, I hope my body’s sane enough to follow.

My heart ached while listening to a love song. Somehow, that most neglected part of my system demanded attention. I was surprised that it was still beating, as quiet as it is. Too quiet that I thought it was long dead in the cold.

I know I still yearn to be in the light and enjoy the warmth, but I know that nothing still awaits me over there. I am delighting over the darkness now, that despite the emptiness, I know I can fill it up with stuff that I want to. They may not be the healthiest fillers on earth, but I know that they’ll do for a while. They’ll do.

I’ve been provoked to believe in otherwise, and so whereas I refuse to face any pain right now, and just live the moment, by not thinking, and keeping my guards up, I’m fine. I am. Really.