If you don’t want me anymore

I only ask one thing from you

If I ever meant anything to you ,

Utter a silent prayer

That my heart will go numb and surpass this pain

Because I feel being crushed over and over again

With every single blink, that you ignore me.

A really good friend of mine once told me, that it was unhealthy to thrive in lovesongs.

Yes, I would have to admit, love songs are just beautiful.

They put into beautiful melody whenever my heart tries to tell me something and I just can’t comprehend sometimes.

How amazing is it, that you can put feelings, sometimes unexplainable, into words?

Grasp them, identify them, and just know, that your feelings are indeed real. They’re not just some burning feeling, some sudden pang in your heart, that goes away in time. Or maybe not.

You have a best friend, that knows exactly what you think, or how you feel during your happiest moments.

But then, what if every single love song, just reminds you of him?

What if something wonderful starts to plague you, and torture you?
Read the rest of this entry »

Is it insanity?

When things go at an absolute blur, everything goes uncertain, and you just close your eyes, hoping to enjoy the ride. You may crash, but hey, it’s part of the deal.

When you’ve made a decision that you’ll take a chance, you also understand the risk. The risk that the outcome may not be desirable.

Is it foolish to risk like this?
Read the rest of this entry »

Just a few seconds ago, I was staring in disbelief as I read a very, very long love letter.

It was full of emotions – a mix of sadness, longing, and subtle pleas. It professed love in the most courageous way that I could never have said that to anyone.

It made me very very sad, because it was an open-ended love letter, some courageous risk, that one was willing to take one last time, before things would be for the best.

I was definitely more surprised as I realized that I wrote it.

Could it be possible that my heart has thawed from its icy splendor? I’ve been comfortable in the cold for so long, I’ve ignored its state, and I guess I threw it away in a dungeon that I never bothered to check on it again. When I check on it again, could it be that it’s already warm, beating, and very much alive?
Read the rest of this entry »

I’ve always thought that I was never alone. Despite not being romantically attached, I am blessed enough to be in the company of my wonderful family, and my wonderful friends that love me, and are always there by my side to take care of me, and to make me feel like the luckiest human being in this planet.

I tried something this week that in a sense, will let me be alone. How does it feel to be truly alone?

I locked myself in my own room, working alone, unwinding alone, and sleeping alone.

What do I feel?
Read the rest of this entry »

I don’t know if I should consider time a friend, or foe.

The clock ticks too fast lately that I don’t even remember my dreams anymore. It’s as if I hardly sleep anymore.

I’ve been rushing, overexerting my brain, ignoring my heart, and just riding the waves in this crazy season.

I know that the time is in my favor, for another month has almost passed, and I am getting closer to getting away. It’s unbelievable that by the end of this year, I will be given a choice. Yes, a choice to stop from all this self-imposed madness, and have myself exiled just for some air to breathe.

Mixed emotions, because I am enjoying so much of this rush in my blood, the adrenalin, the stress, because it keeps me alive. I thrive with activity, I am most alive when I am running around, getting confused on what to do next.

What if I decide that I love this rush, albeit unhealthy, to decide not to stop and go on like this? Will it kill me?

For all I know, I have already decided on when to stop. And when I tell myself to stop, I hope my body’s sane enough to follow.

My heart ached while listening to a love song. Somehow, that most neglected part of my system demanded attention. I was surprised that it was still beating, as quiet as it is. Too quiet that I thought it was long dead in the cold.

I know I still yearn to be in the light and enjoy the warmth, but I know that nothing still awaits me over there. I am delighting over the darkness now, that despite the emptiness, I know I can fill it up with stuff that I want to. They may not be the healthiest fillers on earth, but I know that they’ll do for a while. They’ll do.

I’ve been provoked to believe in otherwise, and so whereas I refuse to face any pain right now, and just live the moment, by not thinking, and keeping my guards up, I’m fine. I am. Really.

It’s a long, unforgiving road.

The glaring sun is making me see blurred, false visions.

The scorching ground is burning my senses.

No winds to alleviate the burns. No rain to give a momentary relief.

No water to keep life going.

The will to live is achingly strong despite the discouraging conditions.

It’s because amidst this tiring journey that can cost my life

I see you in the end.

Waiting.

I struggle to walk, my energy draining.

Hoping that by the time I reach you, I can finally give up.

Faint, and fall, and I hope not straight to the ground.

Catch me.

Story : An image suddenly popped out from my mind on a Monday afternoon. It was a girl, getting tired with her endless walk, and as she sees the guy, she faints in his arms. It was very dramatic, in slow motion, and in sepia. I felt a surge of emotions rush from me. It felt sad. Melancholic. Painful. Despite the harsh realities of life, despite the cynicisms that we have adapted because of things that happen in our lives, one cannot deny that we truly wish that there was someone who’d catch us. Who we can surrender to.

Sometimes, when you get burned, and as the pain would persist, you develop some immunity, as your senses start to numb. You get accustomed to the same feeling everyday and sooner or later, it becomes something default.

Right now, I no longer hope for salvation. I’ve accepted certain realities, I am slowly evolving, even if it is not from my own volition.

I was surprised myself as my outlook slowly changed from being idealistic into someone who doesn’t believe in good stuff anymore. I still feel that others deserve their happy endings, I still encourage them not to lose their believing in magic, but I couldn’t say the same for me. I also do believe in fleeting fancies.

A wise person advised me that fleeting fancies – just-for-the-moment pleasures or fun, as we call them, are not concrete solutions, or rather, would not solve any problem we have. I argued – don’t I deserve some lucid interval in all this insanity? Just like I love painkillers. They stop the pain for the moment. I believe we all deserve to cut ourselves some slack and do whatever we can to stop the pain, even if the alleviating feeling is fleeting and only lasts a few moments. We just can’t be in agony all the time.

It’s different now. I’ve thrived on my own. I’ve already learned to be detached. I don’t need any saving, either.