Once upon a time, my default setting was Ice Princess.

Once upon a time, you cracked a joke, and I couldn’t stop laughing.

Once upon a time, Ice Princess thawed for a bit and longed for a jacket.

Once upon a time, you gave me a jacket and I felt warm.

Once upon a time, Ice Princess enjoyed the warm sunshine.

Once upon a time, you started laughing at the Ice Princess for looking stupid wearing a jacket.

Once upon a time, the Ice Princess got hurt.

Once upon a time, the Ice Princess went back to her cave, and made herself frozen all over again.

And now, the Ice Princess is once again, an Ice Princess.

And you?

Just a few seconds ago, I was staring in disbelief as I read a very, very long love letter.

It was full of emotions – a mix of sadness, longing, and subtle pleas. It professed love in the most courageous way that I could never have said that to anyone.

It made me very very sad, because it was an open-ended love letter, some courageous risk, that one was willing to take one last time, before things would be for the best.

I was definitely more surprised as I realized that I wrote it.

Could it be possible that my heart has thawed from its icy splendor? I’ve been comfortable in the cold for so long, I’ve ignored its state, and I guess I threw it away in a dungeon that I never bothered to check on it again. When I check on it again, could it be that it’s already warm, beating, and very much alive?
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I’ve always thought that I was never alone. Despite not being romantically attached, I am blessed enough to be in the company of my wonderful family, and my wonderful friends that love me, and are always there by my side to take care of me, and to make me feel like the luckiest human being in this planet.

I tried something this week that in a sense, will let me be alone. How does it feel to be truly alone?

I locked myself in my own room, working alone, unwinding alone, and sleeping alone.

What do I feel?
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I don’t know if I should consider time a friend, or foe.

The clock ticks too fast lately that I don’t even remember my dreams anymore. It’s as if I hardly sleep anymore.

I’ve been rushing, overexerting my brain, ignoring my heart, and just riding the waves in this crazy season.

I know that the time is in my favor, for another month has almost passed, and I am getting closer to getting away. It’s unbelievable that by the end of this year, I will be given a choice. Yes, a choice to stop from all this self-imposed madness, and have myself exiled just for some air to breathe.

Mixed emotions, because I am enjoying so much of this rush in my blood, the adrenalin, the stress, because it keeps me alive. I thrive with activity, I am most alive when I am running around, getting confused on what to do next.

What if I decide that I love this rush, albeit unhealthy, to decide not to stop and go on like this? Will it kill me?

For all I know, I have already decided on when to stop. And when I tell myself to stop, I hope my body’s sane enough to follow.

My heart ached while listening to a love song. Somehow, that most neglected part of my system demanded attention. I was surprised that it was still beating, as quiet as it is. Too quiet that I thought it was long dead in the cold.

I know I still yearn to be in the light and enjoy the warmth, but I know that nothing still awaits me over there. I am delighting over the darkness now, that despite the emptiness, I know I can fill it up with stuff that I want to. They may not be the healthiest fillers on earth, but I know that they’ll do for a while. They’ll do.

I’ve been provoked to believe in otherwise, and so whereas I refuse to face any pain right now, and just live the moment, by not thinking, and keeping my guards up, I’m fine. I am. Really.

It’s a long, unforgiving road.

The glaring sun is making me see blurred, false visions.

The scorching ground is burning my senses.

No winds to alleviate the burns. No rain to give a momentary relief.

No water to keep life going.

The will to live is achingly strong despite the discouraging conditions.

It’s because amidst this tiring journey that can cost my life

I see you in the end.

Waiting.

I struggle to walk, my energy draining.

Hoping that by the time I reach you, I can finally give up.

Faint, and fall, and I hope not straight to the ground.

Catch me.

Story : An image suddenly popped out from my mind on a Monday afternoon. It was a girl, getting tired with her endless walk, and as she sees the guy, she faints in his arms. It was very dramatic, in slow motion, and in sepia. I felt a surge of emotions rush from me. It felt sad. Melancholic. Painful. Despite the harsh realities of life, despite the cynicisms that we have adapted because of things that happen in our lives, one cannot deny that we truly wish that there was someone who’d catch us. Who we can surrender to.

Sometimes, when you get burned, and as the pain would persist, you develop some immunity, as your senses start to numb. You get accustomed to the same feeling everyday and sooner or later, it becomes something default.

Right now, I no longer hope for salvation. I’ve accepted certain realities, I am slowly evolving, even if it is not from my own volition.

I was surprised myself as my outlook slowly changed from being idealistic into someone who doesn’t believe in good stuff anymore. I still feel that others deserve their happy endings, I still encourage them not to lose their believing in magic, but I couldn’t say the same for me. I also do believe in fleeting fancies.

A wise person advised me that fleeting fancies – just-for-the-moment pleasures or fun, as we call them, are not concrete solutions, or rather, would not solve any problem we have. I argued – don’t I deserve some lucid interval in all this insanity? Just like I love painkillers. They stop the pain for the moment. I believe we all deserve to cut ourselves some slack and do whatever we can to stop the pain, even if the alleviating feeling is fleeting and only lasts a few moments. We just can’t be in agony all the time.

It’s different now. I’ve thrived on my own. I’ve already learned to be detached. I don’t need any saving, either.

I’m too lazy to write today, blame it on the celebrations and the opening ceremonies of the 2008 Beijing Olympics that my eyes are glued on TV all the time, but hey, 8-8-8 only happens once in a millenium, so might as well make my mark in cyberspace that I wrote something this day.

Two special things happened today. First, it’s my mom’s birthday. My mom is one of the luckiest gals on earth that get to celebrate her birthday on August 8, 2008, and have such a lucky birthdate! My baby sister was so cute that she actually made balloons and posters for mom. As for me, I decided to be a good girl and stay at home , so as not to give her any headache for this day. Hahaha! Today, I am most grateful that the most important woman in my life was given to me by God to take care of me. I thank her for she did an excellent job in raising us all 5 girls, extended patience to the rebellious me and sought to understand my strange personality. I think she did great because I don’t think that any of us are psychos. Haha ! I hope that I would be given a chance to do the same in time, to be able to take care of her.
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